my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
