I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize