Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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