I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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