I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
