so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
