Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
