Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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