Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
