who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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