Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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