When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
