after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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