Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
