dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The air was thick with penises
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
