if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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