I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
