oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize