Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
