just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
