he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
