thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
