She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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