so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
