I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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