The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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