If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
