My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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