eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
