If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
