All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
