I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
