He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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