i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
