Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All the doctor said was why
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
