please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
