Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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