Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My vagina just recognized that song.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
