Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize