Sponge bath it is.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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