lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I want her autograph on my taint
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
