I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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