Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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