Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
