Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize