ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
