Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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