upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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