There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
