Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
