She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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