i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
