I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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