I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think my moral compass just broke
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