I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize