I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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