So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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